president bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishments in office. that’s why it’s a 60-second spot.”” — jay leno
“”president bush says he has just one question for the american voters, ‘is the rich person you’re working for better off now than he was four years ago?'””– jay leno
“”kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. that’s the total number of delegates he needs to win the democratic nomination. see, for president bush it’s different. his magic number is only 5. that’s the number of supreme court judges needed to win.”” — jay leno
“”there was a scare in washington when a man climbed over the white house wall and was arrested. this marks the first time a person has gotten into the white house unlawfully since president bush.”” — david letterman
“”the white house is now backtracking from its prediction that 2.6 million new jobs will be created in the u.s. this year. they say they were off, by roughly 2.6 million jobs.”” — jay leno
“”in louisiana, president bush met with over 15,000 national guard troops. here’s the weird part: nobody remembers seeing him there before.”” — craig kilborn
“”president bush said he was ‘troubled’ by gay people getting married in san francisco. he said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. unless of course we’re choosing a president, then he prefers judges.”” — jay leno
“”there was an embarrassing moment in the white house earlier today. they were looking around searching for george bush’s military records. they actually found some old al gore ballots.”” — david letterman
“”the big story now is that president bush is coming under attack for his service in the national guard. the commanding officers can’t remember seeing bush between may and october of ’72. president bush said, “”‘remember me? i’m the drunk guy.'”” — jay leno
“”on ‘meet the press’ yesterday president bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and bush said, ‘phhh, you mean like last time?'”” — jay leno
“”this week, both john kerry and wesley clark are making campaign appearance with the guys who saved their lives in vietnam. meanwhile, president bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a math test for him.”” — conan o’brien
“”president bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget. it has two parts: smoke and mirrors.”” — jay leno
“”bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence wasn’t what it should have been. we knew that when we elected him!”” — jay leno
“”president bush wants to build a space station on the moon. and from the moon, he wants to launch people to mars. you know what this means.㊠he’s drinking again.”” — david letterman
“”the new prime minister of spain has called the war in iraq a disaster, and plans to bring his troops home as soon as possible. in fact, president bush is so upset at spain that he is now threatening to close down the border between spain and the us.”” — jay leno
“”the u.s. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fighting contract in iraq to the firm once run by the vice president dick cheney without any competitive bidding. when asked if this could be conceived as cheney’s friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said, ‘yes.’ “” — conan o’brien