from the onion:
american people ruled unfit to govern
washington, dcã‘in a historic decision with major implications for the future of u.s. participatory democracy, the supreme court ruled 8-1 monday that the american people are unfit to govern.
the controversial decision, the first of its kind in the 210-year history of u.s. representative government, was, according to justice david souter, “”a response to the clear, demonstrable incompetence and indifference of the current u.s. citizenry in matters concerning the operation of this nation’s government.””
as a result of the ruling, the american people will no longer retain the power to choose their own federal, state, and local officials or vote on matters of concern to the public.
“”this decision was by no means easy, but it unfortunately had to be done,”” said justice antonin scalia, who penned the majority decision in the case. “”the u.s. constitution is very clear: in the event that the voting public becomes incapacitated or otherwise unfit to carry out its duties of self-governance, there is a danger posed to the republic, and the judicial branch is empowered to remove said public and replace it with a populace more qualified to lead.””
“”in light of their unmitigated apathy toward issues of import to the nation’s welfare and their inability to grasp even the most basic principles upon which participatory democracy is built, we found no choice but to rule the american people unfit to govern at this time,”” scalia concluded.
the controversial ruling, court members stressed, is not intended as a slight against the character of the american people, but merely a necessary measure for the public good.
“”the public’s right to the best possible representation is a founding principle of our nation,”” justice sandra day o’connor told reporters. “”if you were on a jet airliner, you wouldn’t want an untrained, incompetent pilot at the controls, and this is the same thing. as federal justices, we have taken a solemn oath to uphold every citizen’s constitutional rights, and if we were to permit an irresponsible, indifferent public to continue to helm the ship of state, we would be remiss in our duties and putting the entire nation at risk.””
the ruling brings to an end a grueling 10-month process, during which more than 100 supreme court hearings were held to determine the public’s capacity for self-governance. in spite of the fact that these hearings were aired on c span, most u.s. citizens were unaware of them because coverage was largely eclipsed by news that mary-kate olsen, one of the famed olsen twins, is battling anorexia.
the supreme court found that, though 78 percent of u.s. citizens have seen star wars, only one in 200,000 were aware that the multibillion dollar “”star wars”” missile-defense system had been approved by congress. additionally, while 62 percent of citizens correctly identified the cast of everybody loves raymond, only .01 percent could identify former attorney general janet reno beyond “”some woman jay leno always says looks like a man.”” further, only .0003 percent could correctly identify the ancient greek city state of athens as the birthplace of the concept of an educated citizenry participating in democratic self-rule.
but the final straw, supreme court justices said, came last week, when none of the 500,000 random citizens polled were aware of the existence of north korea’s nuclear-weapons program.
“”i mean, come on,”” justice william rehnquist said. “”the threat of global thermonuclear war? it’s just ridiculous. there was no way we could trust such a populace to keep running things after that.””
populations currently being considered to fill the leadership void until the american people can be rehabilitated and returned to self-governance include those of switzerland, sweden, and canada.
“”i’m willing to do what i can to help out in this time of crisis and make sure that my vote counts,”” stockholm resident per johanssen said. “”i’ve been reading up on america