ok, some politics.
everyone’s a pundit, right?
so here’s me engaging in some punditry.
i’m not even sure if ‘punditry’ is a real word, it sounds more like
a state in india, but here’s me with the punditry.
i’m going to punditize and offer my opinions on the candidates(today is
iowa caucus day, after all and whatnot).
hillary clinton. it’s funny, if we were electing a president based on how qualified
they were to do the job she’d be #3 in the race(after bill richardson and joe biden).
but we’re not voting for people based on how qualified they are, we’re voting based
on how much we like them and how well we think they’d fit in at our july 4th picnic and how
good they’d be at holding our hand if our pet died. hillary would be a great president.
i truly believe that. she’s smart and capable and rational and experienced. but for some
reason people just don’t seem to like her very much. she doesn’t have the gw
bush ‘fun at a barbecue’ quotient. this is ultimately what is hurting her campaign.
joe biden and bill richardson. the 2 most qualified democratic candidates. each
polling in low single digits. bill richardson would be my first choice out of the whole
bunch, as he has the best and most diverse experience. but he’s polling at around 3% or
so. so we can say goodbye to joe and bill. bye joe and bill.
john edwards. i know he’s telegenic, but there’s something about him that
just seems a bit weird. and his ‘i care about the poor’ populism seems a bit forced(as he’s worth tens
of millions of dollars). but what do i know? nothing. maybe he’d be a great president.
he just kind of creeps me out a bit. maybe it’s cos he always looks an airbrushed 1980’s
catalog model. but that shouldn’t disqualify someone from being chief executive even if
it does creep me out.
barack obama. first off, he has the single worst name anyone could ever have in the history
of politics ever ever ever. barack(rhymes with iraq) hussein(like the guy who tried to kill
gw’s daddy) obama(one consonant away from bush family pal osama bin laden).
personally i see his terrible name as being kind of a plus, as it really couldn’t
be worse unless his name was satan hitler babyeater.
he’s the least experienced of the candidates but he’s also really smart and principled
and telegenic. he seems like he would be fun at a barbecue but he’d also be good
if you needed help doing your taxes and he’d definitely be nice to you if your goldfish
died. ironically i think he’s the democrats best chance to win. ironic, as he’s:
a-inexperienced
b-1/2 muslim
c-possessed of the worst name in the history of politics
but gw was a coke addict with 2 dui’s and a history of running companies
into the ground(not to mention a last name that is colorfully and colloquially used to describe
ladies baby making parts). so who knows? barack obama seems like the dem’s best choice.
plus it would be awesome to have an african-american president. the rest of the world
wouldn’t be able to hate us as much, which would be nice.
so, the republicans:
fred thompson: ha ha haha. that’s pretty much all that’s warranted there. ha ha ha.
is he even campaigning? if you looked like the fat guy who owns costingtons dept. store
on the simpsons
and you were married to his hot wife would you rather be:
a-sitting in a diner in iowa pretending to care about ethanol
or
b-having sex with your hot wife while counting royalty checks from ‘the practice’ or whatever
show he was on.
?
i think that ‘b’ is the clear winner.
(an aside: there is something fantastically ironic about the only hollywood actor among
the candidates being the first choice of so many red-state republicans…).
adolph giuliani: again: ha ha ha ha. awesome. he’s such a fantastic clown. and the republicans
are taking him seriously? hey! republicans! you know how you’re pro-guns? giuliani
supports gun control. you know how you hate the gays? giuliani is pro gay marriage.
you know how you hate abortion? giuliani is pro-choice. you know how you pretend
to hate divorce(unless it’s ronald reagan or newt gingrich or 98% of the republicans
on the planet)? giuliani is on wife #174.
so, please, vote for giuliani! again: fantastic irony that a liberal catholic from new york
is the first choice of so many red-state evangelicals.
oh, did i mention that giuliani likes to dress up in drag for opera parties?
again, republicans, please vote for him cos he’s an awesome cross dressing insane
new yorker who loves gays(well, ‘awesome cross dressing insane new yorker
who loves gays’ is oxymoronic, as all new yorkers are awesome and insane and love gays).
mitt romney. sorry. oops, trying to…stay…awake. one more time? who? oh, mitt…romney.
damn. fell asleep right here on my laptop. he sure is principled or something. or rich?
oh, that’s right, he’s rich. and his family look super nice. and i think that he and john edwards
both did sears catalog modeling in the 80’s or something excellent. i like mitt romney
cos he’s basically changed his mind on just about everything/anything in the last year.
that shows he’s something. not sure what, but something. his best quality is that
he seems nice. i have no idea what he stands for, but i’m sure christmas at his
house is disconcertingly pleasant.
mike huckabee. oh, fuck, he’s the terrifying one. mr charming, ‘i play bass’, ‘gosh i’m
folksy and charming’, ‘shucks i’m just a former fat guy who likes puppies’, etc.
oh, let’s add some others: ‘shucks, i only pardon serial rapists when they’re baptists
like me’, ‘there’s a foreign policy? foreign? like florida?’, ‘as governor i promised
an illiterate in every family and i delivered!’, ‘america is a land of diversity, we welcome
baptists and methodists’, ‘fight terrorism, blow up a doctors office’, ‘lets keep those pakistanis from flooding over the mexican border’, etc.
he makes gw and dick cheney look liberal. but i kind of hope that he gets the nomination
because he’ll be so easy to beat. america, as insane as it is, just isn’t ready for a president
who is even more incompetent than gw and who helped pardon a rapist who went on
to kill people after being released from prison. at least i hope that america isn’t
ready for such a president.
john mccain. you know, every time i see john mccain on the daily show i like him.
he’s smart and funny and experienced. i probably woudn’t vote for him(as he’s
an anti-choice republican, etc), but he seems like the best of the gop candidates in terms
of experience and perspective and intellect. if i were a republican in iowa or new hampshire
he’d get my vote.
ron paul. he’s unelectable, but he should definitely have his own tv show, and it’s fantastic
how much passion and energy he’s inspired. and i admire that he is so tenaciously principled, especially when contrasted with the ‘principles? sure i have principles. what are they again this week?’ approach of some of the other candidates.
ok, that’s my basic rundown on the candidates.
there are other people running, but these are the biggies.
and i hope that dennis kucinich runs every 4 years, because, not to sound shallow, it’s great to have a healthy vegan with a beautiful wife running for president.
thanks.
moby