i got an email from my contact-person at blender wherein he asked if i could write a spicy blog about sex and debauchery in dc during inauguration week. er, uh, you’re asking me? that’s like asking me about hair products. or basketball. (see the gag there is that i neither have hair nor height. just to be clear. jokes are funny when you have to explain them. and to be clear, jokes tend not to be funny when you have to explain them. i was being facetious. thanks).
i’m sure that dc is awash in a sea of sex and debauchery and degeneracy and vices of all shapes and size, but unfortunately i know nought about any of it. i mean, as an example do you want to hear the least rock and roll thing ever? earlier tonight i was dj’ing at the shep fairey/moveon event and a woman came up to me and asked me if i could introduce her to my tour manager because she thought he was cute. i mean, really? asking a musician to introduce her to his tour manager? maybe i missed that day in ‘how to be a rockstar 101’, but doesn’t that normally work the other way around? i guess bald, middle-aged musicians just don’t have the sex appeal that they used to… ah well. and you want me to write about sex and debauchery in dc during inauguration week? i know nothing. nought. somewhere between 1 and -1, barring fractions. the first letter of obama’s last name. a song by the smashing pumpkins off of mellon collie. null set. 3 minus 3. and so on.
but the shep fairey/moveon party was really fun (apart from random episodes of humiliating emasculation as enjoyed by me). santogold was great. de la soul were great. shep fairey dj’ed and he was great. and i played lowest common denominator wedding dj tracks that the drunks seemed to enjoy. arnold schwarrzenneger and russel crowe came early on, and apparently obama wanted to stop by but it was too crowded and too much of a security risk for him. tim robbins and olivia wilde and josh lucas and heather graham and rosario dawsom were all disco dancing together along with members of the local service workers union. olivia wilde, in addition to being very, very nice, is just about the most disconcertingly beautiful woman on the planet. she makes people’s eyes ache, she’s so pretty. and i was impressed that she seemed to know all of the words to ‘california love’. and now is my moment of confession…
i have to reveal why i’m in addition to being the worst person to ask about sex in dc i’ll also the worst person to ask about the actual inauguration: because i won’t be in dc. yes, me being a SUPERGENIUS i booked my trip back to nyc as leaving dc at 11 a.m tuesday, one hour before the inauguration. don’t ask me why, just suffice it to say that i’m an idiot. at least i’ll get to watch it on tivo when i get home. so perhaps my final blog entry will consist of me describing the inauguration as seen on tivo in my chinatown living room. yes, your friendly neighborhood volunteer blog correspondent from dc won’t actually be in dc for the inauguration unless i somehow cancel my travel plans and bribe some dc cop to let me watch the inauguration. i’ll bring a bag of donuts and some blow, that way i’ll be prepared if i get a fat cop or a coke addicted cop. always prepared, that’s my motto. well, except when it comes to actually being here in dc for the biggest political event of a generation.
ok, time to go think about the sex and vice that’s going on in dc of which i’m not taking part, as well as the inauguration which i’ll be watching on tv a few hours after it actually takes place. now i know why i’m not getting paid to be a blogger. i might as well just stay home and write about entropy and the steady descent unto infirmity, that seems like it would be more my speed. ok, goodnight from dc.
moby
p.s-i think i hear the people in the room next to mine having sex. does that count? would it disturb you to know that they’re obese and not on the good side of 60? it disturbs me. maybe they’ll be merciful and finish quickly. see, that’s my sex reporting from dc. i’d understand if i’m fired.