republican national committee convention schedule
new york, ny
6:00 pm – opening prayer led by the reverend jerry falwell
6:30 pm – pledge of allegiance
6:35 pm – ceremonial burning of bill of rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
6:45 pm – salute to the coalition of the willing (including military giants guam and papua new guinea)
6:46 pm – seminar #1: katherine harris on “”are elections really necessary?””
7:30 pm – announcement: lincoln memorial renamed for ronald reagan
7:35 pm – trent lott – “”re segregation in the 21st century””
7:40 pm – epa address #1: mercury: it’s what’s for dinner
8:00 pm – vote on which country to invade next
8:10 pm – call emts to revive rush limbaugh
8:15 pm – john ashcroft lecture: the homos are after your children
8:30 pm – round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only)
8:50 pm – seminar #2: corporations: the government of the future
9:00 pm – condi rice sings “”can’t help lovin’ that man””; accompanies self on piano
9:05 pm – phyllis schlafly speaks on “”why women shouldn’t be leaders””
9:10 pm – epa address #2: trees: the real cause of forest fires
9:30 pm – break for secret meetings
10:00 pm – second prayer led by cal thomas
10:15 pm – carl rove lecture: doublespeak made simple
10:30 pm – rumsfeld lecture/demonstration: how to squint and talk macho even when you feel squishy inside
10:35 pm – bush demonstration of trademark “”deer in headlights”” stare
10:40 pm – john ashcroft demonstration: new mandatory kevlar chastity belt
10:45 pm – gop’s tribute to tokenism, featuring colin powell & condi rice
10:46 pm – ann coulter’s tribute to “”joe mccarthy, american patriot””
10:50 pm – seminar #3: education: a drain on our nation’s economy
11:10 pm – hilary clinton pinata
11:20 pm – john ashcroft lecture: evolutionists: a dangerous new cult
11:30 pm – call emts to revive rush limbaugh again
11:35 pm – blame clinton
11:40 pm – newt gingrich speaks on “”the sanctity of marriage””
11:41 pm – announcement: ronald reagan to be added to mt. rushmore
11:50 pm – closing prayer led by evil lord cheney(oops, satan)
12:00 pm – nomination of george w. bush as holy supreme planetary crusader #1